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Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
12:32 pm
"Your application has been reviewed, and the Committee has denied admission."

love, Rutgers University.


current mood: humbled.

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Thursday, March 13th, 2003
1:12 pm - it's a Moment
One of my greatest pleasures in life since I obtained this job occurs once every week, in the morning, on Thursdays. I look forward to this moment all week, and then, when it's over, I am left waiting for next Thursday, and wondering what all of these other people I see every day could possibly be looking forward to.

Every morning I pull up a document I wrote the day before about the day before that, and I move the date one ahead, re-saving, and begin my tedious task involving mysterious codes and names of equipment that I thoroughly believe Dr. Seuss was commissioned to name. Sump Heater?

Imagine my surprise and glee to discover I could leave the "day" where it was and change only the Greek/Norse prefix, thereby making slightly more efficient a relatively stupid process. Fri transforms to Mon, and occasionally Sat, and Mon playfully morphs into Tues. But on Thursday, when changing Tuesday to Wednesday, I can leave the whole "esday", nevermind that i still have to type that unwieldy "Wedn". Such conservation of letters. And now it makes sense to me that i've always mistaken the days for each other, and that for me, they share the same sensation of nebulous mid-weekness, with similar traffic volume and lunch crowds. I mean they share a whole 5 consecutive letters, for chrissakes.

Each Thursday, I change the word Tuesday to Wednesday, and my heart skips a beat. This is what it's come to.

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Tuesday, December 10th, 2002
5:33 pm
What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

i should have seen this coming.
i'm sure there are people out there who did.

for kurt:

i just recently
fell off of Earth, the planet.
there's no air in space.

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Wednesday, November 20th, 2002
4:44 pm - good people don't let good people temp.
i think it would be hard to tell, from reading my journal thing, if i were a good person.
i think it would be hard to tell if i were smart. or very nice to talk to. and i think even if i had real pictures of me, it would be hard to tell what i looked like. and i think you can't fall in love with people by reading things they have written and walked away from. or by knowing what they do with all that time they've got. i made burritos last night, like an abuelita if i do say so myself. but i don't know if that makes anybody my friend. besides, anyone will be your friend if you squeeze enough lime on their food anyway.

sometimes, though, like so many kids, i like to pretend you can tell.
makes you feel a little more invested.

so these are things about me, possibly inspired by jedophile's list once upon a time, possibly by bitterbyrden's general self-listiness. possibly inspired by wanting to write about myself.

i just don't think it's about being a good person.
maybe because i don't believe in good people.

i believe in cake, though. i really like cake.

i promise it"ll kill time. lots of time.Collapse )

current mood: borrowed

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Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
4:22 pm

Find Out If You Are John Stamos!

my dad's name is john.

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10:20 am - typos = genius

containing words such as "I" "here" "before" and "our".

i miss school.

also, it is imperative that i stop saying "have a good one".

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Wednesday, November 6th, 2002
10:41 am
this is what i type everyday:

"Installed water make-up to cooling tower holding tank..."
"Checked leaky solenoid valves"
"...that the program changes the set point 3º lower than the dial when it switches to occupied heating..."
"Were there any other considerations such as changing out the flex duct or installing a high water cut out?"


current mood: typey,
Wednesday, October 30th, 2002
4:26 pm
i don't understand how office work doesn't kill people. i feel as though i could only take this for another couple of months. i'm going crazy. i want to run. and just earlier today, on the train to work, i didn't want to move at all. i wanted to stay there, staring out of that strangely shaking plexiglass for the whole day and night. watching rain fall and wondering what people thought about that, and other things.

i don't feel very much regret.
most days i am surprised to find i love myself, which makes me feel like my mother. and i say to myself, "it's my situation i hate" and then i wonder how a girl i love could have done this to me.

rainy days are not sad and you shouldn't let anyone tell you any different. the sky is coming apart in pieces and falling on you. it's like christmas.

current mood: raining

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Tuesday, October 29th, 2002
1:48 pm - things in my office
1. really strong bitter coffee, really weak watery coffee.
2. sweet and low, non-dairy creamer, no milk, no sugar.
3. subsequent non-dairy creamer addiction
4. subsequent feeling of emptiness
5. first half hour = everybody telling everyone else how cute they all are and how everybody looks like somebody famous. "oooh! This morning you remind me of Hogan's Heroes... Hogan."
6. me, taking alternate sips of coke and coffee
7. not my mom, who is 60 in 1 day and who cried 2 nights ago when my family wrote her touching things
9. my boss who's the most competent person in this joint, the only female with any authority up in here, and whose mother is dying.
10. not work.
11. "i hope he gets the chair"
"do they even have the chair in Maryland?"
"I don't know, but he'll get it anyway"
12. not one single word about Chechnya, Russia, or people dying everywhere.
13. "the way you did your hair today makes you look real seditty."
"real what?"
"it means, like, uppity."

i thought i didn't mind my job.
i thought wrong.

current mood: workified

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Monday, October 28th, 2002
10:10 am - halloween is for winners like you
why are people saying "Cujo" over and over again? don't they know there's no walls up in this piece?
and saying "Grandma, when i die i'm gonna get sick and bleed."
serious, dood. not making things up. offices are the weirdest outer space jams in the fucking world.

my wrist just fell asleep.

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9:50 am - sasssssssss
i am so completely entirely just playing on the computer instead of doing any kind of work at all.

i want to kick someone in the face, and then laugh. and then stop feeling crazy and start getting real.

boo-yah. what're you looking at creep?
yeah, i thought so.


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9:28 am
some filthy ho stole my post-its!

monday, suck ass and die.

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8:58 am
selections from the first email of the day, and an insight into my homelife.

"i feel all funny, like my heart is racing. i had a hard time getting to the metro on time this morning and the whole time i was hurrying i was talking to myself out loud. i was one of those metro-crazies everybody tries not to sit next to.

"[instead of staying at home tonight} maybe i will go hang out with chip, because rachel is just jumping up and down on my last fucking nerve. serious. "meh meh, don't put your amp neatly in the corner of your room, you have to put it in the laundry room where it's all damp and steamy all the time, and lug it around back and forth every day because even though i don't ever hang out in the living room, just knowing that you have possessions in there organized in an orderly and respectful manner really gets my school-marmy little goat."
"what the hell? and she all moved all my stuff around to vacuum or whatever, and she never ever puts it back. i don't go into her dirty ass room to dust and odor-eat that fucking nappy ass dog smell out of everything and move all her warcrime Nazi spy novels all over the place and hide stuff and shit. just like i don't walk around in her room in my underwear at 5:30 in the fucking morning.

"can't fight the motherfucking seether, dude. don't even try."

on a lighter note, i am currently beginning to learn bass. and one day soon, my stepmother will choke on my Rock. god help her.

current mood: grrr.

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Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
2:16 pm
i had forgotten about homelessness in DC. how brutally honest it is. i was out for lunch and thinking about the weather when a guy sat down on the little statue pedestal i was sitting on. he started hurling trash out of a trash bag he had just gotten from across the street. he was throwing rotting food debris all around him, on the park floor. i think he was looking for lunch. i had just had sushi and was smoking a cigarette.

the metro seats are all fuzzy and comfortable, so they hold onto the smells of piss and mold better and longer.

all of the receptionists and secretaries in my office are black women. no one else who works here is. in fact, there are no other black employees.

i always had a problem with this city.
i find it hard to live here.

current mood: classist

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Monday, October 21st, 2002
1:56 pm

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?

brought to you by Quizilla

mmm, yes. been saying so for years.

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Thursday, October 17th, 2002
1:17 pm

Silent and Deadly, you are a ninja

You think Crouching Tiger dropped a duece on your artform. You wear black to hide the bloodstains. You can fuck anyone up with just your eyebrow. You use your hands, a sword, chopsticks, whatever. You can even do that super sweet thing with the smoke.<
Are you Pirate or Ninja....

fucking finally.
time well-spent.
smoke my big fat ninja pipe.

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12:37 pm
i just saw the new M&M cookie. ingeniously enough, it's a cookie with M&Ms stuck on it. but it's no vanilla coke.

strike: work is boring and you never want to go
counterstrike: teach yourself to love the privacy you get there so that you never want to leave

also listen to your coworkers, for they are wise:
"sweetheart, everyday is friday just with a different name in a different order."
that's right, sweetheart. listen good.

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Wednesday, October 16th, 2002
6:03 pm - well, shit.
i didn't realize it'd been so long.
and that i'd moved again.
and gotten yet another job that's dumbish.

am i the only one who sometimes hides in a bathroom stall until everyone else has left, not so much because i'm embarrassed, but instead because i just want to pretend that i have privacy?

it's getting harder and harder to keep up with everyone through all of my successive moves. i miss my friends. it seems impossibly difficult to find them all and write them all and call them all. i still don't understand how it's done, exactly, though i suspect it has something to do with not being out 12 hours a day at work/commuting and/or not moving every 6 months, just to keep things fresh.

so now i'm lonely. well, boo hoo, you might say. then i would say shut up, and we would continue to not be friends anymore. (example, i found a photograph of gemma, and then i dreamt about her. yeah... see?)

i keep wondering if there's a practical expiration date for my dreams. like, if i always wanted to be, let's say, a firefighter ever since i was a wee-one, and then i grow up and get older and get a useless college degree and do crapwork for a while, and then i think, what do i want to do with my life now?, should i
a) fall back on the dream of firefighting because dreams are like wine.
b) find a new dream because dreams are like bread.

i think b. those bitches get old fast. why waste my time trying to eat stale-ass moldy bread when i could just feed it to some pigeons and go get some new bread. c'mon, bread's cheap. yummy, important, and cheap.

cons: lack of self-definition, bad goal-achievement training, less sense of satisfaction if/when dreams are achieved
pros: versatile dream portfolio, never being depressed about lack of achievement for long, possibility to dream of and do many more things, never getting too haughty about "following my dreams".
analysis pending.

i need to learn me some damage control skills.
dreams is a stupid thing to write about. at least this kind of dreams is. but "life goals" and "direction in my life" sound gay.
and strangely and uncharacteristically, this is the sort of thing i've been thinking about.
well, this, and how not to get shot by frustrated white men in matching vans. hell.

current mood: living some

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Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
3:07 pm
what a weird fucking morning/afternoon.

i've decided to ditch the backpack and just keep everything in my pants. i've already got pendulous cargo pockets, but there's so much more room. finally... Bottomheavy.
*checks off number three on list of things i wanna grow up to be*

huh, break it down, ya'll

current mood: perceiving

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Tuesday, June 25th, 2002
12:55 pm - dear subway:
when i say "everything but those things" please do not put those things on my sub.
eat fresh,

current mood: hungry

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